One last item

Rumors of Rosie O'Donnell returing to daytime television are being published in the Washington Post, and I LOVE the idea of Rosie replacing Meredith Viera on 'The View'. I used to love this show when it first aired, but then I grew sick of it. Mostly I was sick of Star Jones and her "I'm a lawyer" talk...expertly played by Tracy Morgan of SNL fame, and then came her "freebie grabbing, people owe me free stuff" greedy ass. Then there is the revolving seat where the 'young opinion' sits. Elisabeth Hasselback has got to be the most ill-conceived idea for a replacement I have ever seen. Loved her on Survivor, HATE her as a co-host. She is completely ignorant, and I find it both annoying and humorous when she tries to chime in and give her opinion that she clearly expresses in a way that she THINKS makes her sound smart, but really...no. Nobody cares about you Elisabeth. Love Joy...she wasn't afraid of Star when Star's stomach was big enough to hold Joy's entire body inside of it. She is a fag hag. I am more excited about the prospects of Rosie throwing down with Star over her comments that there is no medical way that Star could have lost so much weight in so little time without having a spot of gastric bypass surgery. Star looks like an alien anyway...I mean...really. We all know who would win in a fight, the big butch lesbian. While we're at it, drop kick Elisabeth (who spells that name with an 's' anyway?) to the street, or maybe punch her in the brain to knock some sense into her. Can't wait for the drama and the violence that follows.

Let the weekend begin

It is 4:15 and I think that time has started to run in reverse. Friday afternoons never seem to go by fast enough. This weekend's plans include my first time at Eeyore's Birthday. Should be a good time with Joezay and Fatt. I will have my camera with me, so hopefully there will be some pics from the weekend when I get back on Monday.

Starbucks Bitch

So, I am not a huge coffee drinker, but every once in a while I will go to Starbucks for a coffee or a coffee type beverage. Today I stopped into the Starbucks on 5th & Lamar (across from Whole Foods), and it is the first time that I have ever dealt with a rude employee at SB. Usually, they are very cheerful and hopped up on more caffeine than I would ever drink in my lifetime. NOT TODAY. I went in around 6:45am, still half asleep from staying up with the boys and I ordered a tall Caramel Frappucino. I paid with my check card because today is payday and I was not carrying any cash. And really, does anyone carry cash anymore. The following was our exchange:

Starbucks: Hello, what can I get you?
Charlie: I'll have a tall caramel frappucino please.
Starbucks: That'll be $3.57
At this point I hand her my card and she swipes it
Starbucks: This place just gives THE BEST tips.
Charlie: (puzzled and still half asleep her demeanor did not register) Um...huh?
Starbucks: Nothing, I just tend to put my foot in my mouth at the wrong time.
As she said this, I had begun looking in my wallet for cash because I felt bad and my mind wasn't yet sharp enough to come back with a witty and insightful, yet crass remark.
Charlie: Sorry, but I don't have any...
Starbucks: No, it's okay, I was kidding.
I thought...no you weren't you dumb cunt. Then she walks off to go put juice in the cooler and didn't even give my order to the girl actually making the beverages, who btw is ALWAYS smiling and jovial. I didn't realize she didn't give my order until I was standing there and jovial girl asks me if I ordered a drink.
Charlie: A tall caramel frappucino
Jovial: Okay, I am so sorry, she didn't give me the order.
Charlie: Okay?
Jovial: Here, this is for next time you come in here (she handed me a coupon for a free drink).
Charlie: Um...okay...thanks?
Jovial: (smiling) Here you go, and have a great day.

I got my drink and headed to the car. As soon as I got into the car I was like...what just happened here? Was a Starbucks employee just rude to me? UHHH, she WAS rude to me, and because I am still "out of it" because I went to bed so late, I didn't even catch it. First off, I usually pay with cash at Starbucks and I ALWAYS put the change in the little change bucket. Second, Tori Amos on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome needs to find another line of work that doesn't involve customer service or any interaction with humans. Although, I have a feeling that Jovial is going to give her a severe lashing because she did chipper up when Jovial scowled at her. Third, bitch does not deserve a tip, mostly because she isn't making my beverage, she is running the register and restocking the juice cooler and bitching about it...hardly anything deserving of a tip. Fourth, it is not proper to ask for a tip, and especially at Starbucks. It isn't like you are waiting on me like they do at a restaurant. Fifth, here's a tip...look both ways before crossing the street...or not.

Could today go any slower?

What next for my iPod?

I regularly read several blogs out there for information that I am too lazy to look up to present to people that actually read my blog. Well, today I was going through my weekly catchup and I made my way to Queerty and got a load of something that sort of blew my mind...and not at all in a good way. I present to you the iBuzz:

I will let you read all about it to figure what it is about, although I am sure all of you are smart enough to figure it out (especially the homos, single gals, and the married ones whose partners don't quite do it for them in the budoir). I am so glad that there is a device out there that literally let's me get off to Madonna. I mean...really.

Tattoos...yes or no?

So, I have never really been attracted to guys that are covered in tattoos. A tattoo here or there is fine, but mostly I think tattoos are not hot, because one day they will be like 70 years old with tattoos. Skin loses elasticity. However, I came across this picture and I thought..."DAMN...that is hot".
Maybe it is the huge bicep, or the shaved head coupled with the beard. I don't know, but my heart started beating a little bit faster.

I took a "wrong turn"

So, if any of you have every watched movies like 'Wrong Turn', 'The Hills Have Eyes', or 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' then you know it is never a good thing to be in a heavily wooded remote area and have your car die. Well, that very thing happened to me yesterday as I was doing field work. Now, I know what you are saying: "Why were you in a remotely wooded area where catching a cell signal is harder than winning the lottery?". To answer you, part of my job duties include driving out to the middle of nowhere to GPS physical 911 addresses for property owners who are going to build a residence. Yesterday was one of those days where I had to drive out to the middle of nowhere to do this. My work car is a busted ass 1998 Ford Crown Victoria that used to be driven by a boozed up, chain smoking Sheriff's deputy and I HATE it. The car's nickname is Vicky and she is all kinds of wrong. Anyway, yesterday I start her up to a grumbling roar and I being making my way out to the middle of nowhere. Roundtrip is about 80 miles...just so's ya know. I get to the gate that leads into the property, but the gate has a l0ck on it with a "private property" sign posted. I make the stupid mistake of shutting off Vicky and walking to the gate. I realize the gate isn't locked and I walk back to the car. I turn the key and NOTHING. Sweat immediately begins to form on my brow, and I literally scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO". After possibly blacking out for a minute, I regain consciousness and decide to call for help. I called for help and had nothing else to do but sit and wait for a reply. I decided to call my dear friend Kristy back at the Clerk's office so that at least one person who cares would know where I was. Of course, as soon as I get on the phone with her she immediately says, "Just don't think of the movie 'Wrong Turn'". Luckily, I never saw this movie, but unfortunately I did see its trailer and have no idea how it ended, but it couldn't have ended well for the lovely Eliza Dushku. So, the insanity ensues, as a fly the size of a hornet lands on the roof of my car, and makes the sound of a pair of Manolos on hardwood as it scurries across the top of Vicky. I told Kristy, "something's not right out here". Despite it being daylight, I was a little freaked out and could just visualize some tribe of inbreds taking me hostage and doing one of three things. 1) Sacrificing me to whatever God they were worshiping that week, because let's face it...they would NOT dine very well on my skinny but muscled ass [that rocks]. 2) Molested me and forced me to impregnate their queen because their gene pool had gotten too cloudly from the inbreeding and they were needing my pure DNA, or 3) I would be sold into white slavery and have to live out the rest of my days wearing a shock collar and doing manual labor. As these thoughts went through my head, Kristy just laughed and laughed and laughed. Then I see a couple of horses and they started making the sound horses make, you know like in the movies when they stand up on two legs. But it was an eerie sound because it was more like a sound of laughter...almost like they were laughing at me and saying, "You are gonna die out here". It didn't help that it echoed either. As I am sitting there, a tow truck calls me at the same time the property owner drives up. I was blocking her driveway and she was very nice and offered to give me a jump. Well, she was driving a 1988 Jaguar XJ-S convertible, and it probably wouldn't have been a good idea to use it. So, we put the car in neutral and pushed it back, with me almost getting run over by my own car...thanks. Long story short, I got the car started, did my GPS reading, and got the hell out of there before my car had a chance to die again.

Where da gold at?

I can't even count how many things are wrong with this news story...

It goes...whooo whoooo

Thank GOD for slow news days...

11 Things I LOVE

1. Paula Abdul is a hot mess and I LOVE every second of her boozed up, drugged out appearances on American Idol every week. Whether her slur of words, her lazy left eye that is strategically hidden by her huge bangs, or the fact that she has 30lbs more of extensions and weave than most of the drag queens I have seen, she never fails to disappoint me. Some of my favorite Paula moments include her getting up and clapping after a performance, not so subtley coming onto some of the cuter contestants, but saving some flirt for the not so cute ones (because we dont want to leave them out), the time she called that big ole gay hating Mandisa a thoroughbred, and lets not forget how she always has to play the nice one and simply says (after a AWFUL performance): "I have heard better from you, you look REALLY cute tonight". I wonder what kind of Rx she is getting from her Dr.? I have to say that I think she made up the assault incident to get her Dr. to give her more pain killers. Good times!

2. Random Saturday or Sunday afternoons spent with a group of friends on a patio drinking beer, or margaritas, or Mexican martinis. Ahhh, I have had SO many good times on those random drunken weekend days. Especially before the Texas weather gets hotter than walking on the sun. Those days usually turn into crazy nights of dancing shamelessly in a white Hanes V-neck t-shirt paired with some ratty cargo shorts and flip flops until like 1am at one of the gay bars in Austin. Meanwhile, everyone else around you is like, WTF?

3. When I am dating someone, and we both think of nothing better to do than lay around on the couch and watch movies, or go grab a bite to eat and come back and take a nap together. Ah, cuddling and falling asleep is fun. Of course, it is better when either one or the other wakes up and initiates more. Sometimes I miss having a boyfriend, but other times...not so much. I guess it all depends on what day you catch me and how many of my friends are dating other people.

4. Washing my car on a sunny day. Some people see this as a chore, but damnit I enjoy washing my car. It is kind of therapeutic for me, and I feel a sense of satisfaction when I am done washing it. Nice to see my Jeep and shiny and gorgeous. I love a nice clean car.

5. Instant gratification via digital cameras. There is nothing better than striking a pose, burning the flash, and immediately seeing that the picture is either worthy of showing the world, or never allowed to see the light of day. They are also good for catching the non-posed candid shots, which sometimes turn out to be the best pictures because they trigger the memory of a good time MUCH better. It is also good for a little blackmail too. Speaking of pictures. I am glad that summer time is upon us, because that means it is picture taking time!

6. My iPod is one of my most prized possessions, and although mine is only the second or third generation (pre colored screen, post all-in-one click wheel), it is the best money I have ever spent. To have over 2,000 songs in one little place is like, well it is just "kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck" fantastic. It goes everywhere with me, and supports my run, my need to cry, or my need to get a laugh via some of the Best of Shirley Q Liquor. Now, I know what you are saying, 2,000 songs? Is that really necessary? The answer: Yes, for someone that loves music and has a theme song for practically every situation, it is very necessary just like a great pair of black lizard skin cowboy boots and a pair of Diesel jeans. It is a must. I dont really know anyone that doesnt have an iPod.

7. Although her current, but still fantastic, album is getting a bit long in the tooth, I ADORE me some Kelly Clarkson. I cant get enough of her music. I have seen her in concert, she is great. She seems so down to earth. I have all the remixes of all her songs that have been remixed. Love her. It seems like every song on Breakaway speaks to people on a different level. Like there is a song for a different kind of relationship you are in. Addicted for those who cant get enough of the one they are with, almost to the point of being clinically nuts. You Found Me for those who thought, for whatever reason, they would never be good enough to be loved by someone who sees them for their good and their bad, but stays anyway. Since U Been Gone and Hazel Eyes are self explanatory. Hear Me for the one that doesnt think their knight in shining armor will ever come, but wants him to SO badly. I could dissect all her songs, but we would be here forever. Something for everyone!

8. Paid days off via the State. I have the most random paid holidays and I love it. "Texas Independence Day": got it, "Presidents Day": got it. I, however, do not get the exact same State holidays as the State, because I work for the County, but I wouldnt mind having "Confederate Soldiers Day" and "San Jacinto Day" off as well. Not to mention St. Patricks Day and if retail ever wants me to accept Valentine's Day as a holiday, then they better get to work on making it a paid day off. Know what Im sayin?

9. The little things a guy does in a relationship make me swoon. A random text message, a short e-mail, putting his hand on my leg under the table at a restaurant, and whatever else that could be considered romantic. All the little things that bring an impossibly huge grin to my face are always welcome.

10. Random road trips or planned trips with my best friends. Nothing is better than just deciding to pack up and get your ass on the road to destination known and/or unknown.

11. The movie "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" is one of my most favorite movies...EVER. My favorite and most used line from that movie..."Right on top of that Rose". OMG, LOVE IT! Although, I do not like when people think that it is a line from Golden Girls.

Brand new eyes

So, all joking, bitching, and just generally being me aside today, I am entertaining the idea of getting Lasik eye surgery on my eyeballs. A few people have made their opinion known to me and said that I should not go through with the procedure because my glasses are "me"...whatever that means. Look, glasses are not a schtick, or a comedy routine (unless they are getting knocked off some nerd's face, which when happening to someone other than me, I find to be quite hilarious). Glasses are, in fact, a way of life and a necessity for me, because I am almost literally blind. Why should I have to fill this necessity if I do not have to? I have worn glasses since I was in the 3rd grade, and I cannot remember what it is like to open my eyes in the morning and see clearly. "Why don't you just get contacts?" is a question a lot of people ask me. Unfortunately, I have a "rare" allergy (always have to be allergic to everything) to the plastic that contact lenses are made of. I have tried every type of contact lens on the market, but to no avail, and my eyesight is AWFUL. Friends put on my glasses and after their initial dizziness they tell me they can see into the future. HA HA HA. Anyway, it freaks me out that I would be concious during the whole thing. Then I think, if I can handle my nuts being cut open, then I can SURELY handle a little laser surgery on my eyes. I have not yet made an appointment for a consultaion yet, but I think by this time next week I will have. Besides, I found this REALLY cute pair of sunglasses for $10 at Aldo that I want to wear. It always comes back to the vanity.

11 Things I HATE about whatever

So, I have a lot of free time on my hands at work today. Time that would be better spent looking for another job or perhaps contemplating what "it's all about". I will leave the answer to the latter question up to Smitty when I go to the bar this weekend. Or, I will just take a gander at some of the tragic souls that I see out this weekend to help put my life in perspective and remind myself, "it could be worse...you could be one of those guys". So with that said, I have had a couple shots of Haterade and here is a list of the Top 11 Things that currently wear me out in a bad way. Now, these items are in no particular order because they are all equally irritating to me.

1. The completely ridiculous T-Shirts that have sayings such as: "Pitcher", "Catcher", "Butte Pirates" (see below...blech), or some other equally less than enticing sexual innuendo on them. Please refer to http://www.ajaxx63.com/ for more examples.

2. The guys that actually wear the completely ridiculous t-shirts that have sayings like "Pitcher" and "Catcher" on them. Those t's do not make you more desireable, if anything, they make you look pathetic and desperate. I mean, really...no one cares what position you play, and if you feel the need to broadcast that information to the world (which no one should feel that need) on a shirt, then you might want to re-examine your life and turn down the desperation knob a few clicks. However, I hear those shirts are very welcome at a bar called Chain Drive in Austin, TX. Happy pitching and/or catching to you.

3. Anyone over the age of, lets say, 25 slipping on a T-Shirt with the Abercrombie & Fitch label emblazoned across the front of it. I really get a chuckle when men over 40 wear them, in the vain hope that it will magically turn back the clock and make them appear more youthful, just like one of the hunky boys that appear in every single ad. Can I just say that it does not, in fact, make you appear more youthful. It says to me, "I am desperately hanging onto my youth and going through a midlife crisis with the t-shirt to prove it". Also, A&F is not for fatties. The t-shirt is not magical in a way that it removes unwanted pounds immediately after putting it on. That is what exercise is for...look into it. Let's just lay down the law and make it known that A&F shirts have no magical properties at all. And go ahead and expand this from old men wearing A&F shirts to just dressing age appropriately. Granted there are times when I wear things that kind of stretch it, but I am only 28...not 40+. Thank youuuuu! For example, a 48 year old should never dress like this one (it is kind of hard to make out the details):

4. Enough with Louis Vuitton okay? It is everywhere. The fakes have even trickled down into my little hometown of Nowhere, Texas. And a lot of the fakes are not even that good. The trained [fag] eye knows the difference. Besides, Fendi is hotter!

5. Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, their alien dust induced fetus, & Scientology. I am SICK SICK SICK of them all. Katie Holmes is now Cruiseazys minion. There is nothing that can be done. She has been brainwashed in a different fashion than Nikki Kidman was, because hers clearly didn't take. It is much like Dr. Marlena Evans from DOOL. She is supposed to be the most talented and most smartest psychologists in the world, but somehow she gets duped over and over again (this week hypnotized by a gold charm necklace from 100 feet away, powerful my ass). Besides, if she wanted to be saved she would let herself be saved.

6. Entertainment Tonight has worked my last nerve. I don't like how they drag one story out over a whole show. "More later on the last will and testament of Don Knotts". Why cant you just tell the whole story at once, is there something wrong with that? And who really cares what he left to who? If I am not in it, then I couldn't care less. And don't get me started on Vanessa Minillo. That bland as Styrofoam hag needs to be drop kicked from the show. She has the personality of a block of wood. I thoroughly dislike her a lot, and really cannot imagine a human being who is more devoid of personality than she is. Sweetie...the teleprompter is there to help you with your lines, not to read directly word for word. Can I get someone who sounds a little less "hukt on fonix wurkt fur me"...thanks! I never thought I would say that I miss Maria Menounos...but that day has come. Get somebody with a pulse, who isn't plastic like Mary Hart, but has a fun and likeable personality like Booker did before defecting to the TVGuide Channel, or Mark Steines before he became a lead "anchor".


7. Commitment-phobic men who continuously complain about their jealousy of their friends who are in a relationship. Boys, if you really wanted it, you would have it. Enough said.

8. Pretentious fags who feel the need to continuously go on and on about how much this cost or how much that cost, or how much money they made off of 'such and such' when they sold it...blah blah blah. Oh, and just because your parents are rich, that doesn't make you rich (unless there is a trust fund involved that you can call your own) until they die. Even then, they should give it all to charity so that I don't have to put up with someone who got rich by default.

9. Girl friends from high school, upon finding out I am a homo, or girls I meet during hot nights out, who seem to think that because I am gay and they are my friend that it automatically makes us Will & Grace. Sorry, but the position of Grace was filled long ago, and she knows exactly who she is, but I am taking applications for the position of Karen. Prerequisites include an AmEx Black, a private jet, a boat, a driver, a Rosario, a palatial manse, and a killer rack.

10. Celebrities who feel entitled to free schwag just because they are "celebrities". I use the term "celebrity" loosely, as most celebrities have little to no talent in any particular area of life these days. More specifically, Paris & Nikki Hilton (who aren't even real celebrities), Jessica, Ashlee, & Joe "Daddy Pimp" Simpson. You are no more deserving than me, and God knows (Joe, you were a minister?) that you can afford to pay retail for it. Give some free stuff to the common folk, and I am not talking about a pen, pads of paper, or mouse pads, that stuff does NOT count. Besides, the regular consumers are paying for it in one way or another anyway. On another quick note, I just love how Joe Simpson has no problem whoring his talentless daughters out to the world to put more money in his own bank account. Good for you Joe.

11. Drugs. Marijuana isn't a big problem for me, unless it is a constant. I am referring to the usual culprets, X, Coke, K, G, Tina, or whatever. I mean...really. It really is such a cliche, and is it vital that you have to take them to have a good time? If it is, then you might want to get yourself a therapist, because I think there are bigger issues you might want to deal with and clear up. There is nothing more unappealing than seeing a couple of strung out messes stumble out of a bathroom stall fresh from doing a bump of whatever. Of course, I have never done drugs that weren't prescribed by a Dr, but then again snorting a bump or a line in a disgusting bathroom stall has never really appealed to me either. Then again, sometimes it does make for some good entertainment because a) it is so cliche, b) they end up busting their ass later because they can't control their motor functions, or c) they are "feeling so good" they don't realize they are making out with a guy who could fill in for Sloth from the Goonies without missing a beat. Good ole' alcohol does it for me everytime. The best part is that I have almost gotten it down to a science as to which alcohol does what for me. A couple shots of tequila turns me into an evil bitch, 5-6 cocktails of Mandarin/Tonic gets me dancing, Redbull/Vodka keeps me going and going, a bottle of Evolution white wine makes me crazy fun. Besides, isn't it more of a challenge and more fun to see what kind of Rx your Dr. will write you?

Honorable mentions:
12. Anti-gay sentiment
13. Underage Starlets running amuck
14. Celebrity inspired scents at my Lancome Counter
15. Queer as Folk, thank God that is over.

The next post will be 11 things that don't drive me crazy. I hope I can find 11 things. YIKES!

So what now?

This blog is basically a copy of the Myspace blog that I am currently typing, BUT there will be more stuff in this one. More opinions, more attitude, and more fun.