11 Things I HATE about whatever

So, I have a lot of free time on my hands at work today. Time that would be better spent looking for another job or perhaps contemplating what "it's all about". I will leave the answer to the latter question up to Smitty when I go to the bar this weekend. Or, I will just take a gander at some of the tragic souls that I see out this weekend to help put my life in perspective and remind myself, "it could be worse...you could be one of those guys". So with that said, I have had a couple shots of Haterade and here is a list of the Top 11 Things that currently wear me out in a bad way. Now, these items are in no particular order because they are all equally irritating to me.

1. The completely ridiculous T-Shirts that have sayings such as: "Pitcher", "Catcher", "Butte Pirates" (see below...blech), or some other equally less than enticing sexual innuendo on them. Please refer to http://www.ajaxx63.com/ for more examples.

2. The guys that actually wear the completely ridiculous t-shirts that have sayings like "Pitcher" and "Catcher" on them. Those t's do not make you more desireable, if anything, they make you look pathetic and desperate. I mean, really...no one cares what position you play, and if you feel the need to broadcast that information to the world (which no one should feel that need) on a shirt, then you might want to re-examine your life and turn down the desperation knob a few clicks. However, I hear those shirts are very welcome at a bar called Chain Drive in Austin, TX. Happy pitching and/or catching to you.

3. Anyone over the age of, lets say, 25 slipping on a T-Shirt with the Abercrombie & Fitch label emblazoned across the front of it. I really get a chuckle when men over 40 wear them, in the vain hope that it will magically turn back the clock and make them appear more youthful, just like one of the hunky boys that appear in every single ad. Can I just say that it does not, in fact, make you appear more youthful. It says to me, "I am desperately hanging onto my youth and going through a midlife crisis with the t-shirt to prove it". Also, A&F is not for fatties. The t-shirt is not magical in a way that it removes unwanted pounds immediately after putting it on. That is what exercise is for...look into it. Let's just lay down the law and make it known that A&F shirts have no magical properties at all. And go ahead and expand this from old men wearing A&F shirts to just dressing age appropriately. Granted there are times when I wear things that kind of stretch it, but I am only 28...not 40+. Thank youuuuu! For example, a 48 year old should never dress like this one (it is kind of hard to make out the details):

4. Enough with Louis Vuitton okay? It is everywhere. The fakes have even trickled down into my little hometown of Nowhere, Texas. And a lot of the fakes are not even that good. The trained [fag] eye knows the difference. Besides, Fendi is hotter!

5. Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, their alien dust induced fetus, & Scientology. I am SICK SICK SICK of them all. Katie Holmes is now Cruiseazys minion. There is nothing that can be done. She has been brainwashed in a different fashion than Nikki Kidman was, because hers clearly didn't take. It is much like Dr. Marlena Evans from DOOL. She is supposed to be the most talented and most smartest psychologists in the world, but somehow she gets duped over and over again (this week hypnotized by a gold charm necklace from 100 feet away, powerful my ass). Besides, if she wanted to be saved she would let herself be saved.

6. Entertainment Tonight has worked my last nerve. I don't like how they drag one story out over a whole show. "More later on the last will and testament of Don Knotts". Why cant you just tell the whole story at once, is there something wrong with that? And who really cares what he left to who? If I am not in it, then I couldn't care less. And don't get me started on Vanessa Minillo. That bland as Styrofoam hag needs to be drop kicked from the show. She has the personality of a block of wood. I thoroughly dislike her a lot, and really cannot imagine a human being who is more devoid of personality than she is. Sweetie...the teleprompter is there to help you with your lines, not to read directly word for word. Can I get someone who sounds a little less "hukt on fonix wurkt fur me"...thanks! I never thought I would say that I miss Maria Menounos...but that day has come. Get somebody with a pulse, who isn't plastic like Mary Hart, but has a fun and likeable personality like Booker did before defecting to the TVGuide Channel, or Mark Steines before he became a lead "anchor".


7. Commitment-phobic men who continuously complain about their jealousy of their friends who are in a relationship. Boys, if you really wanted it, you would have it. Enough said.

8. Pretentious fags who feel the need to continuously go on and on about how much this cost or how much that cost, or how much money they made off of 'such and such' when they sold it...blah blah blah. Oh, and just because your parents are rich, that doesn't make you rich (unless there is a trust fund involved that you can call your own) until they die. Even then, they should give it all to charity so that I don't have to put up with someone who got rich by default.

9. Girl friends from high school, upon finding out I am a homo, or girls I meet during hot nights out, who seem to think that because I am gay and they are my friend that it automatically makes us Will & Grace. Sorry, but the position of Grace was filled long ago, and she knows exactly who she is, but I am taking applications for the position of Karen. Prerequisites include an AmEx Black, a private jet, a boat, a driver, a Rosario, a palatial manse, and a killer rack.

10. Celebrities who feel entitled to free schwag just because they are "celebrities". I use the term "celebrity" loosely, as most celebrities have little to no talent in any particular area of life these days. More specifically, Paris & Nikki Hilton (who aren't even real celebrities), Jessica, Ashlee, & Joe "Daddy Pimp" Simpson. You are no more deserving than me, and God knows (Joe, you were a minister?) that you can afford to pay retail for it. Give some free stuff to the common folk, and I am not talking about a pen, pads of paper, or mouse pads, that stuff does NOT count. Besides, the regular consumers are paying for it in one way or another anyway. On another quick note, I just love how Joe Simpson has no problem whoring his talentless daughters out to the world to put more money in his own bank account. Good for you Joe.

11. Drugs. Marijuana isn't a big problem for me, unless it is a constant. I am referring to the usual culprets, X, Coke, K, G, Tina, or whatever. I mean...really. It really is such a cliche, and is it vital that you have to take them to have a good time? If it is, then you might want to get yourself a therapist, because I think there are bigger issues you might want to deal with and clear up. There is nothing more unappealing than seeing a couple of strung out messes stumble out of a bathroom stall fresh from doing a bump of whatever. Of course, I have never done drugs that weren't prescribed by a Dr, but then again snorting a bump or a line in a disgusting bathroom stall has never really appealed to me either. Then again, sometimes it does make for some good entertainment because a) it is so cliche, b) they end up busting their ass later because they can't control their motor functions, or c) they are "feeling so good" they don't realize they are making out with a guy who could fill in for Sloth from the Goonies without missing a beat. Good ole' alcohol does it for me everytime. The best part is that I have almost gotten it down to a science as to which alcohol does what for me. A couple shots of tequila turns me into an evil bitch, 5-6 cocktails of Mandarin/Tonic gets me dancing, Redbull/Vodka keeps me going and going, a bottle of Evolution white wine makes me crazy fun. Besides, isn't it more of a challenge and more fun to see what kind of Rx your Dr. will write you?

Honorable mentions:
12. Anti-gay sentiment
13. Underage Starlets running amuck
14. Celebrity inspired scents at my Lancome Counter
15. Queer as Folk, thank God that is over.

The next post will be 11 things that don't drive me crazy. I hope I can find 11 things. YIKES!