Did That Just Happen...for over 3 years?

It is amazing what a person will unknowingly put up with when they are in love with someone. It is even more amazing what a person will overlook about the person they are in love with...when they are in love. Do you know what is even more amazing than that? The moment you are standing there looking at the person you are in love with, knowing something is not quite right about the relationship, and literally feeling your heart and your head finally fall into sync with each other to realize...this sucks more than it doesn't suck and it should probably stop. It's got all of the things essential for a Lifetime Made for TV Movie gone horribly awry, or terribly boringly awry.

I will admit that I am that person. I met a man (mentioned a few posts back, and whom I will refer to as "my guy" for lack of better words...although "Asshole" would be more appropriate at this point) at Starbucks several years ago and was immediately infatuated with him. I thought he was handsome, funny, clever, smart, and could kiss me like no other man had kissed me. He was a bit guarded with some of his personal life, and I probably should have recognized that as a red fag...er, flag, but I thought to myself, "he'll come around and let me know whatever it is in time." As time went on, I started to realize that things were not progressing in the manner that a normal relationship should. He would happily have sex with me, but when it came time to sleeping over...well, there was a hole shaped like him in my bedroom wall before I could even ask him to stay. He could not get out of my apartment fast enough after ejaculation. If I asked him to go see a movie or sit on my couch and watch a movie, he would decline the invitations. Then on a night when I had asked him to see a movie, I caught a glimpse of him with his "ex-boyfriend" at the same movie theater I was at. That conversation didn't go well. God...that should have been a clencher, but nope. Apparently, I love to be hurt emotionally and I dismissed it. He would also regretfully decline when I invited him to birthday celebrations and even simple gatherings with friends at a house for dinner and True Blood. There was always an excuse. This or that or this and that or this but not that was going on and he couldn't make it to those events. Oh...and going to his house? Out of the question. He would rather burn it down first. In the three and a half years I spent enabling this behavior, I probably got invited over...maybe four times. I even went as far as to sit at home, alone, on my Friday and Saturday nights foregoing plans with friends hoping he might come over for movies and couch cuddling. Never happened and my friendships suffered for it. There is a whole other laundry list of things that he did or didn't do that have soured me, but I will spare you the details because I wouldn't want to sound like a stereotypical fag running around crying about hurt feelings, because I really do feel nothing at this point.

He began to slowly tell me about his life during all of these invites that eventually became non-vites, and used them as reasons to keep his distance, while at the same time texting me "I miss you" or "thinking about you". He had moved here with his now "ex", and they had bought a house. I used the term "ex" loosely because I don't believe it. They "broke up" shortly after arriving here. He also said that his "ex" has an ailment called Reiters Syndrome that bounces back and forth from being active to remission and it is painful and he can't walk and he had to care for him and...I kind of stopped listening after that because I could not care less about this person. Also, people walk away from things like this every single day.  I guess it was good to find out that his priorities revolved around the financials rather than the actual happiness.  I had to keep references to our relationship to a minimum around my friends because the "ex" knows people and it could make my guy's life miserable in terms of settling their shared assets. Now...I don't know about you, but when I am dating someone, I want people to know about it. Before I was told about this rule, I had already opened my mouth about it to someone who blabbed it to their bff who then told another person who told someone else until it bounced all the way to San Francisco to the "ex" who then laid a wrath upon my guy. That taught me never to trust a skinny bitch Nordstrom retail queen, unless you want EVERYONE to know. Then again...the SBNRQ wasn't the problem. The problem was the fact that the "ex" had my guy's balls in a box in his nightstand in San Fran and wasn't giving them back anytime soon. Quite frankly, it also bothered me that someone that he allegedly had no relationship with, other than financial, could have such control over his life choices. Not to mention that he cared more about what this "ex" thought of him than I did, but I digress. Then, a few months ago, came the avalanche of details that spelled out how financially entrenched he is with his "ex", and it was a doozy.  I assume he kept this information to himself all these years because if I knew the specifics...he knew I probably wouldn't hang around.  He would have been correct.  Oh well...his cross to bear...alone.

The relationship kept going back and forth from "go away" to "come here" like we were playing ping pong, but each time it ended, I started to become less inclined to pick the ball up and smack it back into his court. Upon the most recent "pause", I decided to create a new profile on a fitness oriented gay (dating) website I had been a member of years ago.  I came to the decision that life is short and if this guy isn't going to put a ring on it, it is time to put myself out there to meet someone else who might. I had deleted my original account after meeting my guy because I had ideas of grandeur that he was going to be the man of my dreams and we would live happily ever after together. Now, obviously, it is a small gay world and I begged to venture that my profile would be noticed by someone that had a connection with my guy. Sure enough...it did. Before I continue, I had already told my guy that I was on that website, which he says I never did, BUT it wouldn't be the first time I have told him something and he didn't listen. I can't tell you how many times I had to describe who my friends were to him when I would say I hung out with this person or that person. "If you would have taken the time to get to know my friends and who they are, you would know." This alone drove me bonkers, because he used the excuse that they might know his "ex".  I would counter with...they don't have to know the extent of our non-lationship if you want to say we are friends...which is pathetic of me to say because it compromises everything about my idea of relationships and, again, enabled bad behavior. He saw it, and instead of being a mature normal person, he created dummy accounts and I would assume was trying to lure me into some kind of lurid meeting where he could "bust" me. I admit that I will tell folks that I have met people from the website, but the truth is I haven't. I use that kind of as a way to not meet people due to a "bad experience". I guess that kind of defeats the purpose of the site. However, I did not with him on his second attempt because when he allowed me to see his private pictures, they were of a fitness model/trainer based in Houston. FAIL! I even called him on it in an email and he said he was, indeed, the guy in the pics.  I figured...alright, let's see where this impostor is going with this.  It didn't go far.  I sent a couple of messages back to him but then I just stopped.  At any rate, we had words about it.  He asked if he and I had been boyfriends would I have been on the site.  The answer is simply "no", but he had made it clear on many occasions that we were not boyfriends and that we were not going to be boyfriends anytime soon.  More yelling happened and then he left.

I got a text on Monday saying it sucked how I had been "shady and a liar".  I bit my lip and decided not to engage him by mentioning how he was the pot calling the kettle black, but he kept on and eventually the words "You fuck off" were typed and sent after he told me to fuck off.  That was followed with "Thanks.  Have a nice day."  Needless to say, I am done with all of this.  I had once hoped that we would end up together after he got his life fixed, but I don't feel that way anymore.  There is no way I could do that, considering his lack of respect for me, the games, knowing that I have cried all of the tears that I could possibly cry for one person, and it would be SO stupid on my part to do that.  OH, and add the fact that all of my friends who know about him despise him...and my family...I can't even begin to describe their feelings about it.  So, in this case...lesson learned.  Going forward a heavy amount of due diligence will need to be done before allowing my heart to rule my head again.

Oh Those Walls

It seems we spend our lives putting up walls...building them taller and more indestructible with each passing earthquake that threatens their existence. Our experiences in matters of the heart teach us to be careful when it comes to the people we let into our lives...justifiable or not. As time goes by, we begin to depend on these walls to protect us from the lurking pain and unknowns that could come into our lives and destroy our comfort, our sanity, our faith.

Then one day, in a single "woosh", someone unexpectedly comes along and with a single smile, turns the walls to dust, making you realize that the walls were also protecting you from experiencing happines, love, a new friend, the small things that make life liveable.

He came into my life in a way that was unexpected, and my heart would melt and erupt into a volcanic explosion everytime I would see him. You know that feeling I am talking about...a feeling of intense anxiety that makes your heart stop and your stomach get a feeling of nauseated delight. He had a chuckle that would cause me to give into a full blown belly laugh. His facial expressions were just as contagiously funny. He has no idea how attractive he is and would balk at the mere mention of his handsome face. That was my nickname for him..."handsome face". More to come...

Maybe it is depression

I am sitting in my cube on this lovely Sunday. It is end-of-month closeout and someone from IT has to be available to fix the problems the little ones may find themselves dealing with...thought that was their job...but I guess I am wrong. Luckily, most of them have the talent to fix the problems without having a freak out and losing their mind. At any rate, I am staring at the computer screen, with a stopped up sinus cavity that is starting to hurt like it is getting an infection, and reading this blog that I was an avid fan of until the author took a long hiatus. I recently rediscovered it and have been going over his words, and thinking...I wish I could write like that. Shades of Gray is quite the journey and I have a hard time putting it down once I start. It is also one of those blogs that I can go back and read again and again. At any rate, I am starting to digress. I have been in this neither her nor there state of mind lately. More of the same, to which I am sure none of you wants to hear about. As of Thursday, that has all ended...for good this time. It is all pretty sad and stupid if you ask me...his reasons, but they are his reasons and nothing is going to change his mind. I guess it just reinforces that you learn what it is that you want, what you are willing to put up with, and when you are not willing to sacrifice those things that you need. Alas, I think it best that I go ahead and call myself out of the game after strike three. I am not closing up shop permanently by any means, but I think that for me right now...not loving = not hurting, and not hurting would be a welcome state of mind right now. UGH...why do I have to have a sinus headache?!?!?!?

Three Weeks?

It has been three weeks since I have seen the gentleman from Starbucks, and no doubt, you are all tired of hearing about it, but I don't really care what you are tired of hearing about. I start to think things are getting better and then my brain pulls the cover off of a memory and I find myself sliding back down the spiral. I am not real sure what to do. I have talked to friends, family, a psychic, and these feelings don't seem to be going anywhere fast. My mom insists that it takes time. Friends say it takes half the time you were in the relationship to get over someone. I wish I knew the answer because the crying and the sadness and the nervous broken hearted feeling in my chest is wearing me out. I almost made it through the whole day yesterday, until I saw my mom and then I started bawling. I know one thing is clear...this man has affected me in a way that I haven't felt in a long time, and while it is good to know that I can still fall in love with someone...or have those types of feelings for someone, it still SUCKS!

Is It Over Yet?

The proverbial rain cloud is still following me wherever I go. Sometimes it rains more heavily than other times. It has been two weeks since I have seen the gentleman from Starbucks, and a week since we last spoke. Am I coming or going? I can't figure it out. Life seems to be a tailspin of extreme ebb and flow...like the tides during a full moon. Sometimes I am fine and trucking along like nothing in the world has hurt me, and then at a moment's notice I am in tears. This has not been easy for me, and he pretty much occupies my mind as much now as he did then. I am walking around in a dazed and confused state of mind most of the time, thinking about things, trying to figure things out, looking for the person I was prior to engaging in life with this man. It seems spending almost everyday with a person for a little over nine months is a routine that is deeply missed when it is no longer there. My heart feels like it isn't finished breaking yet, and that heart broken feeling is the only constant these days. I go to sleep with it, hoping that the emptiness that is there will be full when I wake up, but it never is. Speaking of sleep...I can't remember the last time I actually made it through a whole night without waking up. Maybe that will happen when I regain my peace of mind...or the piece of my mind that has gone missing. Too bad you can't fill out a missing persons report for your mind when you feel it has been abducted. I would be the first in line. Now, if you will excuse me...I need to go to the restroom because the tears are breaking through my eyes.

Heartbreak

Once upon a time, in my early 20's, I had these ideas of grandeur that by the time I was 32, I would be making 6 figures, own my own home, be driving some variation of a German luxury car, and have a loving and faithful boyfriend that I would fall in love with every single time I looked at him. Cut to real life, and I am not making 6 figures, I am renting a 674 square foot apartment that feels like a basement, I am driving a Jeep Grand Cherokee, and just recently separated [because I can't really call it a breakup if we never called each other by the title of boyfriend] from a man that I have spent the last 9 months falling for. I am not really sure how I ended up here, but I can't help but wonder how on a regular basis. To keep things from getting too dicey and blurry, and because I am mourning the loss of my relationship I will talk about that. Just to refresh everyone...or anyone that still actually reads this blog, I am referring to the gentleman from Starbucks that I introduced myself to last year. I blogged about it a couple of entries back if you want to check it out. At any rate, we have spent the last nine months hanging out, going to the gym, grocery shopping, watching tv, playing frisbee in the park, running, hiking, having sex, going to dinner,....you catch my drift. It was basically a boyfriend relationship without the "boyfriend" title, which looking back was a bit unfair for me. There have been good times and there have been not good times. I won't call them bad, because they were never really bad. I can't recall a time we actually ever fought about anything, and when we did, there were never residual hurt feelings about anything. There was, however, a part of him that always seemed unreachable and closed off from me. I could never figure out what it was, and there were times I would push, only to be met with "we can talk about it later". Of course, "later" never really came. About a month ago, I made it clear that I was interested in more from him, which met some resistance. I knew there would be, and I thought I was capable of dodging the barriers he was going to drop...I was arrogant to think I could do that...arrogant indeed. At any rate, he came over on a Friday and we chatted and when he left, we had decided to call it quits or something. I called him the next day and asked if we had done the right thing...he said we should take a few days and think about it and talk later in the week. I immediately went home and cried on my mother's shoulder. You see, my mom recently began to realize she had missed a good part of my life after I came out and now was the time for her to make up for it...and she did in one weekend. Another four days of torture and misery went by and I was pretty inconsolable. As I left the gym on the Thursday following the split, my phone rang and his picture popped up. I answered it and he asked how I was doing and that he wanted to check on me. I said..."not good. I have been thinking about you all week". He said the same thing, and I suggested we have dinner to talk about things. He agreed and we met. We talked like we had never split. Two hours later we were still talking and having a good time. We decided to leave and we walked to the parking lot where he was lingering a bit...I could tell something was bothering him and I asked. He said...I am just sad. I said...yea...me too. The conversation continued and included "It is going to be weird for a while", "I don't think I could handle if we were to play frisbee and you started talking about someone you are dating", "It wasn't just fun for me anymore either...I have feelings for you and yes...I like you too". We embraced for the longest time as he rest his head on my shoulder. I wanted our mutual pain to go away. The following Saturday we met to work out, and spend some time together...we had amazing sex that day. I thought things would be different and they would go back to normal and he would not have a problem with the title of "boyfriend" or giving me more. His ex-wife/bff came to town that week and he disappeared and I didn't hear much from him. I began to worry again. A week later I left for North Carolina for work, while his ex (whom has a 50% ownership in his house) came to stay with his mother. I did not hear much from him while I was gone...my worry began to grow more. My assumptions that things were going to be different could not have been more wrong. Things had not changed, but had instead, gotten a bit more tense. Fast forward to this past Monday, at the same Starbucks it all began...it came to some sort of an end. We had a long conversation, and it has been just as hard the second time around as it was the first. My heart just feels broken and there is a void inside that I can't fill with anything. I don't want to do anything. I try to go to the gym, but I am lacking any kind of motivation to complete my workout. I don't really want to leave the couch, but I am trying. I cry at any given moment with no warning at all. I met with him last night and maybe I shouldn't have. I threw out there..."if you wanted to be with me...you would". Of course, he didn't have a response to that, maybe because he knows it is true and he couldn't bring himself to tell me that he isn't that into me or that he wants to be with me, but I could also be wrong. I mean, I have been where he is at...and not that long ago. I don't really know, and I probably never will. All I know is that I fell for this man, and in my heart, I don't think it is completely over, and I hope that I haven't seen the last of him. I guess it is harder because there was no huge fight or a missing persons report filed like my previous relationships that gave some sense of finality. I am at that point when I can't help but wonder what he is doing, where he is, who he is with, and I do know that I am still in the state of mind that if he were to be with someone else...it would completely devastate me...to which he admitted was what he was feeling too. I guess I should know better than to think he would be with someone else so quickly because of his reactions to our "ending things", the complications he has in his life, and the fact that he is not the type of person to do that kind of thing...I am going to believe that it wouldn't happen. All I know for sure is that I miss him dearly and I would go to the ends of the earth to make things better for him if he wanted me to...and I wish it were that simple. I guess time will tell if we are meant to be, but until then...I am taking it one day...hell, one hour at a time. Heartbreak SUCKS!

Ignorance is Bliss

There is nothing like going out to meet a friend in town from out of town, only to run into someone considered to be a best friend to a person that I once called my boyfriend. He proceeded, in a drunken state, tell me that he was missing his boyfriend very much. My response was...you have a boyfriend? Good for you! He continued the conversation he began by saying, yea...and I am totally monogamous with him, not like your ex when you were with him. You know, I didn't really know how to react to that statement, because it was very clear it was not meant to come out of his mouth when he immediately put his hand over his mouth to cover the "I can't believe I just said that outloud" gasp. I can only imagine that my ex, at one point, had sworn him to secrecy. Sadly, for me, it seems that the statute of limitations had run out. I admit that it didn't affect me like I thought it might, but it did make me feel bad for my younger self.