Is It Over Yet?

The proverbial rain cloud is still following me wherever I go. Sometimes it rains more heavily than other times. It has been two weeks since I have seen the gentleman from Starbucks, and a week since we last spoke. Am I coming or going? I can't figure it out. Life seems to be a tailspin of extreme ebb and flow...like the tides during a full moon. Sometimes I am fine and trucking along like nothing in the world has hurt me, and then at a moment's notice I am in tears. This has not been easy for me, and he pretty much occupies my mind as much now as he did then. I am walking around in a dazed and confused state of mind most of the time, thinking about things, trying to figure things out, looking for the person I was prior to engaging in life with this man. It seems spending almost everyday with a person for a little over nine months is a routine that is deeply missed when it is no longer there. My heart feels like it isn't finished breaking yet, and that heart broken feeling is the only constant these days. I go to sleep with it, hoping that the emptiness that is there will be full when I wake up, but it never is. Speaking of sleep...I can't remember the last time I actually made it through a whole night without waking up. Maybe that will happen when I regain my peace of mind...or the piece of my mind that has gone missing. Too bad you can't fill out a missing persons report for your mind when you feel it has been abducted. I would be the first in line. Now, if you will excuse me...I need to go to the restroom because the tears are breaking through my eyes.

Heartbreak

Once upon a time, in my early 20's, I had these ideas of grandeur that by the time I was 32, I would be making 6 figures, own my own home, be driving some variation of a German luxury car, and have a loving and faithful boyfriend that I would fall in love with every single time I looked at him. Cut to real life, and I am not making 6 figures, I am renting a 674 square foot apartment that feels like a basement, I am driving a Jeep Grand Cherokee, and just recently separated [because I can't really call it a breakup if we never called each other by the title of boyfriend] from a man that I have spent the last 9 months falling for. I am not really sure how I ended up here, but I can't help but wonder how on a regular basis. To keep things from getting too dicey and blurry, and because I am mourning the loss of my relationship I will talk about that. Just to refresh everyone...or anyone that still actually reads this blog, I am referring to the gentleman from Starbucks that I introduced myself to last year. I blogged about it a couple of entries back if you want to check it out. At any rate, we have spent the last nine months hanging out, going to the gym, grocery shopping, watching tv, playing frisbee in the park, running, hiking, having sex, going to dinner,....you catch my drift. It was basically a boyfriend relationship without the "boyfriend" title, which looking back was a bit unfair for me. There have been good times and there have been not good times. I won't call them bad, because they were never really bad. I can't recall a time we actually ever fought about anything, and when we did, there were never residual hurt feelings about anything. There was, however, a part of him that always seemed unreachable and closed off from me. I could never figure out what it was, and there were times I would push, only to be met with "we can talk about it later". Of course, "later" never really came. About a month ago, I made it clear that I was interested in more from him, which met some resistance. I knew there would be, and I thought I was capable of dodging the barriers he was going to drop...I was arrogant to think I could do that...arrogant indeed. At any rate, he came over on a Friday and we chatted and when he left, we had decided to call it quits or something. I called him the next day and asked if we had done the right thing...he said we should take a few days and think about it and talk later in the week. I immediately went home and cried on my mother's shoulder. You see, my mom recently began to realize she had missed a good part of my life after I came out and now was the time for her to make up for it...and she did in one weekend. Another four days of torture and misery went by and I was pretty inconsolable. As I left the gym on the Thursday following the split, my phone rang and his picture popped up. I answered it and he asked how I was doing and that he wanted to check on me. I said..."not good. I have been thinking about you all week". He said the same thing, and I suggested we have dinner to talk about things. He agreed and we met. We talked like we had never split. Two hours later we were still talking and having a good time. We decided to leave and we walked to the parking lot where he was lingering a bit...I could tell something was bothering him and I asked. He said...I am just sad. I said...yea...me too. The conversation continued and included "It is going to be weird for a while", "I don't think I could handle if we were to play frisbee and you started talking about someone you are dating", "It wasn't just fun for me anymore either...I have feelings for you and yes...I like you too". We embraced for the longest time as he rest his head on my shoulder. I wanted our mutual pain to go away. The following Saturday we met to work out, and spend some time together...we had amazing sex that day. I thought things would be different and they would go back to normal and he would not have a problem with the title of "boyfriend" or giving me more. His ex-wife/bff came to town that week and he disappeared and I didn't hear much from him. I began to worry again. A week later I left for North Carolina for work, while his ex (whom has a 50% ownership in his house) came to stay with his mother. I did not hear much from him while I was gone...my worry began to grow more. My assumptions that things were going to be different could not have been more wrong. Things had not changed, but had instead, gotten a bit more tense. Fast forward to this past Monday, at the same Starbucks it all began...it came to some sort of an end. We had a long conversation, and it has been just as hard the second time around as it was the first. My heart just feels broken and there is a void inside that I can't fill with anything. I don't want to do anything. I try to go to the gym, but I am lacking any kind of motivation to complete my workout. I don't really want to leave the couch, but I am trying. I cry at any given moment with no warning at all. I met with him last night and maybe I shouldn't have. I threw out there..."if you wanted to be with me...you would". Of course, he didn't have a response to that, maybe because he knows it is true and he couldn't bring himself to tell me that he isn't that into me or that he wants to be with me, but I could also be wrong. I mean, I have been where he is at...and not that long ago. I don't really know, and I probably never will. All I know is that I fell for this man, and in my heart, I don't think it is completely over, and I hope that I haven't seen the last of him. I guess it is harder because there was no huge fight or a missing persons report filed like my previous relationships that gave some sense of finality. I am at that point when I can't help but wonder what he is doing, where he is, who he is with, and I do know that I am still in the state of mind that if he were to be with someone else...it would completely devastate me...to which he admitted was what he was feeling too. I guess I should know better than to think he would be with someone else so quickly because of his reactions to our "ending things", the complications he has in his life, and the fact that he is not the type of person to do that kind of thing...I am going to believe that it wouldn't happen. All I know for sure is that I miss him dearly and I would go to the ends of the earth to make things better for him if he wanted me to...and I wish it were that simple. I guess time will tell if we are meant to be, but until then...I am taking it one day...hell, one hour at a time. Heartbreak SUCKS!

Ignorance is Bliss

There is nothing like going out to meet a friend in town from out of town, only to run into someone considered to be a best friend to a person that I once called my boyfriend. He proceeded, in a drunken state, tell me that he was missing his boyfriend very much. My response was...you have a boyfriend? Good for you! He continued the conversation he began by saying, yea...and I am totally monogamous with him, not like your ex when you were with him. You know, I didn't really know how to react to that statement, because it was very clear it was not meant to come out of his mouth when he immediately put his hand over his mouth to cover the "I can't believe I just said that outloud" gasp. I can only imagine that my ex, at one point, had sworn him to secrecy. Sadly, for me, it seems that the statute of limitations had run out. I admit that it didn't affect me like I thought it might, but it did make me feel bad for my younger self.