20's Self Discovery

In my 20's I spent all my time trying to figure out what my life was supposed to mean to the world. The things that I could not foresee myself wanting in life were things I had thought about but never given a huge chunk of time to because well...why would I waste time thinking about the things that I didn't really imagine myself wanting. Being single and free and available to drink myself into a coma on the weekend with my friends was pretty much what I spent my weeks working towards. That kind of life was what I wanted and what I thought life was supposed to be...because all of my friends were doing that. I had boyfriends during my 20's...two of them really meant quite a lot to me...and of course the ones that meant the most were the ones that seemed to break my heart with more frequency and severity, but are also the ones that I couldn't stay mad at and ultimately forgave five minutes later or five days later no matter how unscrupulous I believed the deed was...and trust me when I say...there were a couple of incidents that truly broke my heart and sent me in a spiraling run for the hills. Everything was more dramatic in relationships too, and I don't think it was because of my being gay, but because of the inexperience of youth and trying to navigate unknown territory wanting nothing but my way or no way, and dating someone that had the same mentality. I was no stranger to heartache, nor was I a stranger to happiness in my 20's, and despite the cliche I am about to let roll off my tongue, I am pretty sure I would not do anything different in the way of relationships with the men I loved. I take that last thing back...there is one thing I would change, and that is I would have tried to be less bitter about things in my late 20's after both of the relationships ended the way they did, and, instead, tried to find a way to turn my heartache into something more productive rather than being a complete asshole and keeping myself and my heart closed off from the world. I know I gained a reputation among my friends for being cold and disconnected and unwilling to pursue anyone or to allow myself to be pursued. I think they joked about it because they were trying to get me to realize the person that I would, at the time, gladly admit I had become was not something I should whole heartedly admit to. I never smiled when we were out and about, which kept the men at bay (not that I had them fawning all over me by any means). I didn't have an interest in being intimate with anyone, because that intimacy could lead to someone getting to know me, loving me, and leaving me. The thought made me uneasy and was not something I was ready to face again. I lost interest in sex and pretty much shut down the part of my brain that taps into what the heart is saying, and I was amazed at the ease I had in doing that. I kept asking myself what purpose would a boyfriend or dating someone have in my life anyway? At the time I was not completely out to my parents, and I would not be bringing whomever home to meet the family. It would also mean, GOD FORBID, I would have less time for going out with my friends and getting hammered on the weekends. I was pretty carefree and would squash any feeling I got that would have anything to do with wanting to be in a relationship, but as time passed into my late 20's I slowly started to realize that my heart was not going to allow itself to be bullied by my brain and began replacing the iced vodka running in my veins with what was supposed to be there. The thoughts I kept in a vault were sprung from captivity and they began circling in my head with an intensity like they had spent the past four years in prison doing nothing but working out...and my mind did not stand a chance against that kind of power and strength. I started to remember the things about a relationship I liked along with the things that I loathed and I began to miss both of those things and a feeling of loneliness started to creep over me. What had I done? Why had I lived this way?