It Shouldn't Be Complicated

The problem with attraction is that it is something that you can't really control, and it is frustrating as hell when the attraction is one-sided or seems to be one-sided because the other person is gunshy about being in a relationship. I am 31, and I have to say that I have started growing tired of the bullshit games and childish behavior exhibited by seemingly grown and mature adults when it comes to being in a relationship. I realize that I am not old by any means, but I am old enough to know what I want and I don't think I should have to beat around the bush or hold back what I feel for someone because of the fear that I will scare them off. Alas, I have become a victim of that very mentality. A quick call to my mother to complain about said predicament helped me to put things into perspective once again.

"Try not to dwell on the "complications" whatever they may be. Be open to whatever happens or does not happen. I know that is easier said than done sometimes. Relationships aren't supposed to be complicated if they are meant to be. A person shouldn't have to work so hard to have a relationship, things should just come naturally and honestly. Until that time, live your life to the fullest....don't sweat the small stuff (as MamMaw used to say and she also said take time to smell the roses, her favorite)".

Her words rang in my head like a church bell at noon. This also gave me pause to look back on my previous relationships and I don't know that there has ever been a time when I wasn't involved in something complicated, but that is the past and I am looking at the future. So, in order to avoid the complications I have gone with the method of "out of sight, out of mind" with this particular person. I am avoiding seeing him, being around him, looking at any of his online profiles, and just generally being an asshole...which is how I was before. Thing is...I was this way before because I had a feeling that things would somehow turn out this way, and the second I let my guard down, things start out great and then come to a screeching halt and I am left pining after someone that can't admit to what they want. At any rate, I am beginning to repeat myself and I don't want to be a broken record. So to him, I say...Goodbye...I am wiping my hands clean.

3 Hours

I found myself to be suffering from a severe flare up of body dismorphic disorder today. I went to the gym this morning and worked out for about an hour. After that I ran around town doing errands. When I got home, I took off my shirt to throw it in the dirty clothes, and I went to the bathroom to take a shower. When I walked into the bathroom, my appearance made me flinch, and I sat there and stared at myself for a good 10 minutes...analyzing every inch of what I could actually see with my eyes...disgusted. After the agonizing 10 minutes was over and I snapped out of my self depricating trance, I turned around, put my shirt back on and went back to the gym. This time I worked out for 45 minutes, and then I drove to Town Lake to run. Normally I walk a good portion of the trail, but today I ran most of it, and I did the long run...not the short one that crosses over Lamar. I don't know what it was inside of me that was motivating me to run...or maybe I was running from something. At any rate, I did more working out today than I have done in a long time. The funny thing is, I never had this problem prior to joining a gym, and that annoys the hell out of me.

Sorry

Do you want to know if there are times I am able to forget that there are times I wish we had never met?