5 things a man should NEVER wear...

After seeing Vinci wear a completely unacceptable outfit for International Male, I realized that there are some things that a man (gay or straight) should NEVER wear and should NEVER think about wearing. The only acceptable times any of these should be worn is if you are going to be using it as a Halloween costume or attending a themed party, you have gotten sloshed on a bottle of wine before going shopping and are trying to be funny. Photos courtesy of International Male and Undergear. I mean...really...while some of their stuff is more mainstream than it used to be, the rest is still god awful tacky. How do these companies stay in business and who is buying this stuff?

1. The Slashed Shirt

Silly me, I thought this was a woman's top. I mean...I think one of my actual girl friends has one of these in black. If I ever caught an eyeful of someone wearing this at the gym (as it is listed under activewear) I would piss my pants right there and would laugh so hard that I could skip my ab workout. Is this really safe workout attire anyway? Other sites have this as "day wear", but sweeties...unless you are co-starring in 'Nightmare On Elm Street 17: Clothes to Death' and our dear Freddy Kruger is the one who caused those slashes (and there better be blood dripping all over it) it would probably be a good idea to steer clear of this, because you are going to get laughed at...mkay?

2. The Velvet Lycra/Spandex Shirt with Sparkles

To me this top says...I am gay, BUT just because I am gay doesn't mean I can't be completely devoid of style. You might as well wear a sign that says "I am gay, please beat me up". If you don't want to wear that sign, at least do the rest of us fags a favor and wear a sign that says: "I do not, nor does my style represent any homo other than myself", because the rest of us do not want to be associated with someone that considers this daywear...or nightwear for that matter. I never really understood the appeal of wearing 95% lycra/spandex in anything other than biker's shorts. I mean, it doesn't seem like it would be that comfortable, and no matter how much you work out, by the end of a long night your gut isn't going to be taut and tight as it was when the night began. Thank youuuuu.

3. Pedal Pushers/Clam Diggers/Capri Pants/Flood Pants

Pedal Pushers, Coolats, High Waters, Clam Diggers, it doesn't matter what you call them, these are for the ladies. While fashion generally seems to be getting more ambiguous...avoid them. There are only a handful of men that can pull off this look, one of those being David Beckham. If you are not David, you should NOT be wearing these pants. Actually, we'll just say that no man should wear pants like this, unless they are in Europe. We call these "European". Shorts or pants...go with one or the other, because you don't need to be wearing these short pants. I am sort of disappointed because I ran across these at Nordstrom.com, and everyone knows how much I LOVE to shop at Nordstrom. Not all stores can choose perfect merchandise 100% of the time. I will let this one slide Nordstrom.com...this time.

4. Rufskin Jeans/Pornstache
The type of clientelle that would actually purchase these marvelous pants eludes me. I wonder if the model would actually wear these pants if he were not being paid to wear them? Where would you even wear something like this, and what occasion would make these appropriate? Don't answer that, because I already know the answer. Folsom Street Parade, or some other "wear as little as possible" festival. I mean...assless leather chaps are one thing, but assless denim?Even still...who, where, when? You might as well wear a sign that says "Big Ole Bottom", because that is essentially what these pants tell me, and they are none too subtle about it. Whatever happened to leaving something to the imagination? While we are bashing this particular ensemble, can I say that the mustache is AWFUL. 1972 called, as did Ron Burgundy and they both want their pornstache back...GET RID OF IT. Mustache's are NOT coming back. They are terrible, uncute, and they unnecessarily scratch up faces. Have you ever had road rash on your face after kissing a guy with a stiff beard? I have, and it ain't fun the next day having to explain why your face is all red, irritated and rashy looking. Not to mention it is slightly painful. MMMKAY!?!?!?

5. Pants made of flammable materials

What goes through the mind of someone that purchases these pants for something other than part of a costume for Halloween, Carnavale, a private party, etc. The guy wearing the pants is totally hot and I wonder what he would look like with shorter hair. I like shorter hair. I mean, I have actually seen men wear these pants in Houston, and while they are the kind of thing that gets people talking, it isn't in a good way. I literally had a belly laugh after the initial shock of seeing that someone actually had these on. Why not just dress up in foil, the foil is recyclable (although the pants probably are as well...you could probably melt them down into petroleum for your car), but the foil is probably easier to clean (although all you have to do with these is lay them out on the driveway and get after them with a water hose...assuming something actually stuck to them). Okay, maybe the pants are better than foil. I wonder if the pants could also be used to cover a caserole? Interesting quandry. I am sure they would be extremely helpful if you got stuck on a deserted island and needed something reflective to signal a plane overhead. So maybe purchasing these pants isn't a bad idea...they provide so many uses other than wearing them.