I DO!

So a friend of mine from high school got married this weekend. I attended the small but lovely ceremony. I got pictures from the event and thought I would share them with you and critique some of the shots. And away we go...

The Groom and Groomsmen

I mean, I have NEVER in my life seen a group of more gorgeous men in one place...EVER. Kooter was very adament about lighting up to take the stress off of taking a group shot. Ever since his tour as a security guard at Wal-Mart he has had a problem with crowds, and can't get though a flashbulb without something to calm his nerves. Poor thing. The rest speak for themselves.

The Bride and her Bridesmaids

And I mean...stunning. Nothing says class and "meant to be" like finding 5 matching bridesmaid dresses at Goodwill. Actually, she found two of them at Ross Dress for Less, but the clerk gave her a heads up that there were three matches down the street. Andrea was SO happy that day. Oh what a lovely polyblend can do for a gal. Of course, I am sure none of these girls own anything better than stirrup pants made by White Stag. And really...who doesn't love the backdrop for their wedding party pictures to be the garage door to Bubba's Auto Repair, or is it by the receiving doors behind a Wal-Mart, or is it a storage unit? Why not right in front of a busy freeway, or maybe the McDonald's playscape? Something should also be said about the fact that the flower girl is dressed the sluttiest.

The Happy Couple

1. While taking pictures, it turned out she was standing in a bed of fire ants, and her legs got torn up. Unfortunately, the ant bites just made it all the more noticeable that her legs looked like they hadn't been shaved in two weeks.
2. I bet you didn't think the people in movies like "The Hills Have Eyes" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" didn't exist. Well, I am here with photographic proof that they do exist. Who says inbred retarded men aren't hot? Oh yeah...everyone. Let's just hope she puts him back under the staircase where he belongs. And can I also ask someone to introduce him to a dentist and possibly some veneers? Thank you.

1. I told Andrea that the "jacket thingy" was supposed to tie underneath her breasts, but she was retaining water that day and it wouldn's stretch without ripping...and we all know how hard it is to repair lace.
2. Payless Shoe Source provided all footwear. Again...the water retention made it impossible for her to jam her hoof into a decent pair of heels, and well...his shoes...um...we'll just say that he is trying to bring back Kaepa. Not gonna happen.

And then it was time to go, because after seeing this I needed a "Mind Eraser". I have not eaten for three days now because I was not drunk for this picture, and now this image is forever burned into my memory and my stomach refuses to accept anything until my mind is done processing how any of this is possible. I am just worried about them reproducing and passing their Jordache genes to a new generation. Then again...can inbreeds reproduce? Don't answer that, I don't wanna know. And just to show that I am not completely devoid of optimism...the fact that these two found each other and had their white trash nuptuals on the Elementary School playground gives me hope knowing that there just might be someone out there for me. Preferably with a white collar job, a house, great body, fantastic personality, no desire for children...actually a shared hatred for children, dark hair, good skin, you know...all the traits someone would want to pass onto their children.

FYI, this is not the real wedding I went to. I will post those pictures tomorrow when I get them uploaded. I don't know anyone like these people and I want to thank M.D. for sending them to me.